Beware the crazy exercise lady

She’s killing her kids. And I hate her.

This will make no sense to anyone outside SA (and not much to anyone in SA no doubt) but there’s a radio advert that’s been running for a while about the benefits of a home gym.

It’s all to do with two women who want to exercise.

Woman one – let’s call her “upstanding normal citizen” – goes to a gym like normal people but spends the advert getting stuck in traffic (complaining in a voice that is alarmingly like a very good friend of mine who shall have her name changed to “Bog” to protect the innocent) and queuing for a treadmill.

This is normal, this is Joburg, move on.

Woman two – let’s call her “deranged psycho harpy mom on acid” – has a home gym and has the most annoying voice in the world.

Chicken in the oven? Check
Kids upstairs studying? Check
Favourite TV show on? Check

Via a clear breach of the time-space continuum half an hour immediately passes in advert world and psycho mom is finished.

Wow! What a great workout! Bzzzzzzz……And dinner’s ready!

Now some of you are probably wondering what the problem is here. Well, shame on you.

I can overlook the fact that the crazy bitch is happy enough to forego having a shower before tucking into dinner, although I for one would rather trap my nutsack in a car door than eat next to Ms Stinky.

There endeth my magnanimous gesturing.

HALF AN HOUR FOR A BLOODY CHICKEN IN THE OVEN, ARE YOU MENTAL???

What’s for tea tonight mum?

ROAST SALMONELLA THAT’S WHAT YOU LITTLE SHITS NOW GET IT DOWN YOUR NECKS AND PISS OFF BACK UPSTAIRS FOR TWENTY MINUTES STUDY BEFORE YOU KEEL OVER IN VOMIT INDUCED AGONY. MOMMY NEEDS ANOTHER WORKOUT.

Even if I give her the benefit of the doubt and concede that the chicken might be very small and she may have slashed the thighs a la Jamie Oliver to allow for faster cooking YOU’D STRUGGLE TO OVERDO A QUAIL IN THAT TIME YOU MAD BINT. HOW IS A QUAIL GOING TO FEED A FAMILY OF THREE? I’VE SETTLED ON THREE BASED ON THE ASSUMPTIONS THAT THE FIRST KID WAS AN ACCIDENT AND THE SECOND ONE WAS CONCEIVED IN A DESPERATE BID BY YOUR STARVING HUSBAND TO DISTRACT YOU WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HIS MONTHLY SNACK OF HALF A CREAM CRACKER INTO THE BASEMENT HELL HOLE YOU’D BEEN KEEPING HIM FOR YEARS WHILE TELLING YOUR FIRST INFANT CHILD THAT DADDY HAD RUN OFF WITH HIS FAT OVEREATING SECRETARY.

Breathe…breathe….happy place…

KIDS UPSTAIRS STUDYING? YOU LYING COW – THAT’S JUST THE LINE YOU USE FOR THE COPS WHEN THEY DROP IN TO INVESTIGATE THE SMELL REPORTED BY THE NEIGHBOURS THAT THEY THEN ATTRIBUTE TO THE FACT THAT YOU’RE IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING THE CRIME CHANNEL, SWEATING ON THE TREADMILL AND HAVEN’T HAD TIME TO SHOWER. FACE IT YOU LOON – THEY’RE DEAD! THEY’RE ALL DEAD!

Must…lie…….downnow.